A lot more has happened:

-I didn't graduate. There was a clerical error and I wasn't told. It turns out my D+ in Personality Psych wasn't high enough to count toward my minor (needed a C), so I am retaking that class. Again. I did not receive financial aid because it's a retake. Yes. All of this sucks.

-I got a second job at an after school program. I like it (for the most part). I mostly tutor 6-8th graders, but I also do activities with them and am going to be doing a few big projects with them, like making a movie and teaching them about college.

-I filled out a low-income apartment application this week. Then I never turned it in because I realized my income was too low to have any hope of being able to support myself and still make rent and bills.

-I am organizing a trip to the Passion Conference in Atlanta January 1-4. When I first heard of it, I was only casually interested but the more I learned about it, the more excited I got. Then I sat down and figured up the math and realized there was no way my tiny church could fundraise enough money for registration costs. I called off the trip, threw away my figures, and then gave in to the nudging in the back of my mind: ask the conference leaders for financial help. S agreed to write a letter asking for a way to be made for us to attend, and the night I prayed, telling God that there was no way we could pay for this on our own, the money just doesn't exist and we don't have the time to raise it. I asked Him to please let us receive assistance if He really wanted us to go to the conference, and if He didn't that was okay too, He didn't have to provide the money and we could just do something different. But He did provide. We are getting two tickets for free and two at a discounted cost. It feels so good to know that God not only provided for us, but that He wants us to attend, that He is blessing this trip. He is making a way. ^__^

A real blog post will happen sometime. I still don't have internet but I am about to change that because I am going crazy. It's gotten to a point of desperacy.

<3 p="p">Sarah

Labels: Christian, college, fundraising, God, Jesus, Passion Conference, poverty, youth, youth leader

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Or at least since there's been a substantial post.

sxsw

-my mood is slowly improving. It's been very all over the place (mostly in bad places) for the past two months. I was being a recluse more than usual and was having a lot of relationship troubles, mostly because I was being very irritable for no reason. I don't know if it's been the prayer, my hormones balancing out, the St. John's wort, or what, but most days I feel good about being alive. I've been talking more, seeing more people, and getting more things done.
-visited SwAGU last week. I think if I had known about it and had been at a different place in life when I was 17 and applying to colleges, I would have liked to have gone there. Everyone seems to be close knit and while I do have some issues with the AG as a group,  we share most of the same beliefs and it is what you make it to be. It was awesome having an allotted time for chapel and hearing the Word of God. I enjoy reading, but I'm such a slacker when it comes to reading the Bible. Sermons are always what get the message to me best. There's something about hearing it and experiencing the Word being read out loud with a room full of people that makes it sink in better. I'm also an auditory learner, so hearing something is the best way for me to focus on the message and to really take it in and understand it. Seeing someone get passionate about God makes you want to get passionate as well.

THEY HAD FREE COFFEE.

Also, I really liked the sense of community. We actually do have that at UH, even though we are a large school, because you end up seeing a lot of the same people within your major and most people are friendly because, well, most people in life aren't gonna be jerks, but I haven't been able to find a Christian group there that I fit into. It's like I don't fit in with the ultra-conservative mega-church stereotypical Christian or with the ultra-liberal, nobody-goes-to-Hell, the-Bible-is-not-literal Christians either. Does that make me a moderate? x3 But yeah. I have those people at church, but then again, that's probably why our church is so small.
I think I wrote about the Bible study I found at school. The first session Ben and I went to and it was great-- it seemed to be focused on truth and what the Bible actually says, crazy miracles and all. Then I invited Pete to the second session with me and it turned out to be a study focused on explaining away all of the miracles in the Bible. I mean, they said that's not what they were doing, that these watered down "miracles" they were presenting were still just as valid and good, but they defeated the whole purpose. We are supposed to believe that Jesus is capable of ANYTHING, even if it defies our earthly laws, because He is the Creator and He exists outside of all of these rules. Pete and I told them we had no problem wholeheartedly believing any of the miracles in the Bible because we could both think of perfectly logical ways they could be done, at least when combined with Jesus' capabilities, which meant pretty much anything could happen since his Faith trait was times infinity and He is, you know, the Son of God.
Seth wrote this for me because I couldn't put the bad feeling sitting and listening to the teacher of this Bible study gave me into words:

"I'm really appreciative of the opportunity to join your Bible study, but unfortunately I must decline to attend again. I believe in the complete validity of Scripture, including its records of miracles, especially those of Christ. During the last Bible study it seemed as though there was a difference in understanding of how the Bible should be interpreted. I believe that when the Gospels (or any of the other books of the Bible) give account of things which seem incomprehensible (particularly miracles, that we should accept them as having happened and not as something which needs to be reasoned down and reduced to a more sensible meaning. I don't have any difficulty in accepting the miracles of Christ as complete fact as they appear at face value in the Scriptures because God created the laws of science for our benefit, not His own--He does not live within them and He certainly is not restricted by them. I believe that if God can make the universe, then he can also change or fix it.
Christ is always very clear when he gives his disciples commands, when he performs or declares a miracle, or when he tells a parable. It does not take great faith to debate the meaning of Scripture, only to accept it for what it says.
I hold no ill feelings or disrespect for anyone, but I also do not feel that I can stay."

*boomsnap*

-school is...I don't even know. I accidentally missed a few assignments because I was sick/exhausted/forgot that Spring break was over. >-< Whoops. But the assignments I DO remember, which is most of them, I am doing my best to get them done to the best of my ability and not do them all the day they are do. Or if I am going to do that, to give myself time enough to do a good job. A lot of times I end up writing on Tuesdays before my workshop because I don't get motivated until then. This is okay because the writing gets done, except that I kept having to skip Gulf Coast because I couldn't do both. I ended up sending my "boss" (the editor) a letter a couple of days ago telling him that between 18 hours of school and a part time job, I can't keep helping out. :/ Sucked to do, but it's better than not going, plus I got in a good two or two and a half years of volunteering and I learned a lot about how lit journals are put together.

I'm excited for this semester to end, but I'm also really afraid because that means that's it and it's time to start real life. I decided to go through Region 4, so after I apply with them I suppose I really need to buckle down and start looking for a job since they said I could start teaching in the fall as long as I passed the certification test. It's scary, but I'm looking forward to finally moving out and having a place of my own. That means I can also have more freedom (aka space) to pursue my hobbies and to develop new ones. ^_^

I'll leave you with some nice pics. <3

Labels: Assemblies of God, Bible study, coffee, college, eevee, Jesus, kitten, rain, SAGU, SwAGU, texas, UH

Hey guys. :) If there is anyone out there, that is.

As of late:

-I've stopped working as much. Tried working Mondays, but I was so behind in school work that I didn't know when anything was due, so I stopped and now have that day as a homework day. Unfortunately, a great deal of it ends up wasted because I can't focus and put things off, but from 5 on I'm hard at work, so that's better than nothing, right? It also gives me time to do errands and visit people.

-a girl came up to Justin and me at school and asked if we would be interested in participating in a Bible study. I was sort of interested, but I've been emailing with the girl and she seems really nice and genuine, so we are trying to work out another time to meet up so I can start. I think the study focuses on Scripture and working that into the reason for your faith. I like that; Bible studies usually are topical or focus on books that aren't the Bible, so this sounds refreshing. Plus I haven't seriously studied the Bible in years and it would be really nice to get grounded in it.

-my writing teacher is one of those interesting older women that young writer women want to grow up to be like, but she kind of expects a lot of us. Everything is really constrained and she basically gives us prompts to work into our "project" stories, but the whole thing is turning out to be a nonfiction class and I'm not sure how I feel about that. My story really sucked at first, but it's getting there. The first part I am okay with. The second part, not so much. Not really sure where the story is headed, either. Nick, you read the first part. Any suggestions if you are reading this?

-got to apply to alt certification/teaching jobs soon. Muh. Afraid, a little.

And I guess that's about it. Life has been kind of boring, lately.

Labels: Bible study, boring, God, homework, Jesus, university of houston, writing

...to not want to be around people who make you unhappy?

I am that person who can't look at Twitter and Facebook and tumblr and everything else without feeling overcome with sadness. I see people embracing something stagnant and falling into a comfortable little hole with their friends and I want to say

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE GREATER THAN YOURSELF?

But then I remember that people only hear what they want to hear, and that is not it.

Labels: backsliding, hanging out, hurt, Jesus, sadness, stagnation

Hello, all.

I should really be in bed. So true. I will be soon.

This is my last semester. I can't believe it. I have plans for the future, but the future is about to become to present, and then I'm not sure what my future will be. It's more than a little scary.

I'm getting engaged soon. Yes, I know about it. We aren't the type to hide big life decisions from each other. Not sure how that is going to play out as I live in the same house as him and his family. Probably fine? Right? I'm excited, yet terrified at what it will mean as far as having to actually consult with someone on many decisions that I take for granted as all my own. Down with sharing a bathroom, not down with no more spontaneous trips. I guess those can still happen, within reason, and they're pretty reasonable anyway.

 And changing my name. Um. It seems I am running backwards. It's not that I don't want his name, it's just that mine reflects who I am so well. New life, new name, but I would like to keep the connection. I've struggled with my last name my whole life-- spelling it out for people over and over, explaining it, meeting relatives I didn't know existed because of it, explaining it some more. To be something so, well, white is going to be weird. My last name is definitely white, but it also is obviously foreign and reminds me that, as a third generation American, we haven't really been here that long. If I do change, which I am 99% sure I will, I will have four names. There, problem solved. Plus having something so violent sounding as Hackett is gonna be awesome.

Having less freedom will be strange, but I am also ready to have my own life with this person. Now. So ready.

Well! As far as other things go....

-one of my classes turned out to be a stress relief/meditation class. Whoops. I actually like it, though. Not really learning anything, but a lot of the grade comes just from interacting with other students on the discussion board, and it's basically just like having conversations as you normally would about certain topics.
-I am so behind on homework already. :/ I have been working 21-25 hours a week, which is fine, but the long school (we are there from around 10-10 and that kind of sucks) and work days leave me really tired out and not feeling at all like doing homework. 18 hours of school a week, plus tons of homework. I am so ready to graduate.
-please be praying that I get a job when I graduate. I am doing my teacher certification program this summer and have some leads on teaching in schools in the area but I need one to pan out.
-so happy for my friend Rachel's mom. After going several years without having a job because she was too overqualified/too old/too everything, she got a job at a state school as an RN one slot below the head nurse. She had just moved to the area less than two weeks before. If that isn't a blessing, I don't know WHAT is.
-through exercise, healthy eating, and prayer, I'm starting to get happier. This winter I struggled with depression a bit more than usual and I was having trouble finding reasons to exist at all. I went to the gym for the first time last week and loved it. The rush of endorphins was like nothing I had ever felt and it left me feeling so much happier and like my body was worth something. I don't have self-esteem problems at all, but it felt great knowing I did something good for my body, and it made it feel great too.

Lately I've been wondering where I belong exactly. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't really like to hear about it or be around it because I've been around my family when they're drunk enough to know it's annoying and makes me feel kind of sad. Being that sober person at the party is not fun. You can't really talk to anyone because they're not thinking straight, and you just sort of watch everyone make dumb decisions and talk about nothing and wish they would all just hang out and talk like normal and have an intelligent conversation because doesn't the world need more of that?

I think a part of my uncomfortableness is that my definition of friendship is changing. I used to hang around people who I just clicked with. That's all it took. The friendships would develop naturally and I love those people just for existing. I think that's great. But sooner or later, you're going to realize that the differences you didn't think were so big are actually gaping canyons. If you're not interested in partying and your friends party, that's a lot of social time you're going to be missing out on now. If they hang out with people you don't really know, don't know at all, or have become estranged to, that's another hole because it sucks hearing about the people you used to be close to and there really isn't much to say to people you don't know. So suddenly it's like there's this whole other world you've been missing out on that you don't really have any desire to get involved in. Because what's the point in making more friendships when you can barely sustain the ones you already have?

I think the difference is that I now desire fellowship. I want to talk to you about God because He is the single most important thing in my life. I want to be able to confide in you about spiritual matters and for you to understand. I want someone who is willing to hold me accountable and who sees their religion as a way of life, not as something they were brought up in or that they do once a week. I want friends who are willing to pray for me, with me. It doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun anymore, it just means that my definition of fun has changed.

"Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24

This is as true now as it ever has been. How many people ascribe to the Christian faith, yet forsake it every single day? It is more than just believing in something. It is living something out.

I'm really glad I forsook sleep.

Good night. <3

Labels: blessings, brazoria, engagement, exercise, fellowship, food, friendship, God, happiness, homework, igaveuptheghost.blogspot.com, Jesus, learning, Matthew 16:24, prayer, school, texas, truth, university of houston, work

This winter break has been nice in that I am not in school, but it's killing me in other ways. There's a void where the homework was and it settles deep down in my stomach and I'm not sure what to do with that emptiness.

All this time, nothing to fill it with. The books I like to read leave me feeling numb, being around electronics leaves me feeling numb, staying inside leaves me feeling numb. On one hand, I'm very glad to be where I am because there is country all around me and I do badly in Houston even though I love it there, for very different reasons. The windows are open a lot here, which wasn't true when I was living in Old Ocean, mainly because there weren't any windows. I am constantly around people here, which I love, but it's also very easy to get distracted and to not be productive.

My resolutions?

-To exercise. I need those endorphins and sunshine.
-To get glasses again. My head and eyes have been killing me all semester and hopefully that will fix it.
- To eat better. I love vegetables but they're kind of few and far between here, so I need to start buying my own.
- And most of all, to pray more and to seek His face. This is the area in my life where I am lacking the most, and coincidentally, it is also what is necessary to fix all of my problems and to get to feeling better. Fail.

22 in less than a week now. Age is becoming nothing but a number.

Goodnight.

Labels: depression, eye pain, glasses, God, Him, holidays, Jesus, prayer, resolutions, vegetables, winter, winter break

I. AM. FINISHED.

I'm so glad to be able to say that. Q___Q

Pretty sure I made A's in everything except for Early British Literature, which I am really scared to see my grade in. Oh well. Hopefully I at least...pass. Hopefully they bypass the 17% plagiarism rating on my paper after seeing that I used things from an earlier paper about the same thing, and hopefully they understand that opinions don't change much in a year so I would have been rewriting the same thing over again, which I started to do for two pages because I completely forgot that I wrote that other paper a year ago. And hopefully they take into account that I tried exceedingly hard to change things up enough that it didn't look just copied and pasted, and that I wrote four and a half more pages to go along with it. >.< Muhhhh. The thing I hate the most about college is lit classes. Usually it isn't the reading material, but this semester it was all very boring. I hate early Brit lit. Pretty much more than I hate mayonnaise.

So, looks like I have one reader. Sweet. o_< Even though my stats say there are more. They are probably bots. Dang bots.

Talking to a kid from high school in another window. Don't know him too well, but he got something I drew tattooed on him. That's pretty freakin' badass.

I took a celebratory bath with The Night in Question (short stories by Tobias Wolff) after finishing my final. Wasn't a very long bath because this isn't my house, but it was so nice to be able to relax. This semester has felt both very relaxing and also the most stressful I have ever felt. I think I had the most breakdowns this semester, at least in the past few weeks. But I also didn't write a 15-pager in one night like I did last semester.

This was Hell.

Yeah. That wasn't the best choice I ever made.

So remember how I said I bought that Bible study? I've been having second thoughts about that. My old method basically consisted of asking the kids to all pick a topic, which I would then research and then make some notes on that would basically make a 2 hour lesson-discussion thing, and that worked really well. The verses I would find really hit home and the discussions that came from going over the lessons was insightful, teaching everyone something new, including myself. I think a lot of the things we talked about were also close subjects to the girls (duh, the picked them out), so they got to vent about what was going on in there lives, which seemed to help because a lot of times it was really big stuff that was out of their control that they didn't really have anyone to talk about.

Sounds great, right? Yeah, then I destroyed it. We haven't even gotten to do our first study yet because in between night church getting canceled, "Cuddles" having a social life, the Germans moving, and me having work and homework, we haven't all been able to meet up, but I think that's been a blessing. After reviewing the introduction and first chapter, it seems like it is one of those books where the person talks a lot about themself. I hate that. I don't pick up a Bible study to learn about you, I pick it up to learn about God.

OK GONNA GO PLAY VIDJA GAMES NAO K LATER

Labels: Bible, Bible study, church, coogs, finals, God, Jesus, stress, tea, Tobias Wolff, truth, UH, university of houston, video games, vidja games, youth, youth pastor

Briefly reconsidered grad school yesterday. Prayed. Realized I would be doing it for myself and that I am needed here, and that God will provide a way for me to write and the material to write on (physical and subject matter, haha) if I only ask it of Him.

I am a writer. I have always been a writer. I am only getting better and will continue in this way if I remember that it is not something I have cultivated all on my own, but that it is the Father who has blessed me with this ability and it is to Him that I owe all of my words.

This is my way of serving. I don't know what the most important pieces will be about but when I write at all I feel like I learn at least a hundred new things about myself and the world and remember at least a hundred more.

It's hard to remember sometimes, that we have no right to claim anything about ourselves, even our talents. I am learning.

My heart is finally starting to break and I believe it is the most joyful and rewarding (as of now) half-experience that I have ever had a part in.

 I am beginning to actually love God. And not just in that "because I have to" way, but because He is bringing me into a deeper relationship with Him and is showing me who He is. I think what I have been in for the past couple of years is a kind of in-between state. It's not that I didn't love Him, I just didn't love Him like He deserves. I know that will never happen, but I am now on the path of loving Him as much as I possibly can as a human. That's good enough for me.

Looking into alternative teaching certification programs. My goal: do this through Region 4 and teach at Sweeny High School or Junior High, giving me the internship experience I need, a real salaried job, and student loan forgiveness all at the same time.

I have a good feeling about this.

Revival is coming soon and I can feel it. Stayed up late texting Ben and Kelby and all of us have this itch to get out into the ministry community and do it our way-- through art, acceptance, and truth. Something free of doctrine, free of concerns about money, and (I hope) outside. Or at least willing to go outside and experience God in nature.

The more I pray, the more I realize just how much I need to be exactly where I am.

Labels: contentment, Father, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, joy, prayer, revival, teaching, the way, writing, yahweh, YHWH

I am completely awake and that is okay.

I will just wake up at 8 am anyway. Not sure if I'm exhausted or if I've been sleeping too much. It's probably a little of both.

I don't drink coffee after noon. Sometimes I don't drink it at all. I don't drink anything caffeinated after five. Yet I still lay awake every night. I'm not doing anything strenuous. Some of it might be related to dehydration so I have been working to drink more water.

I've decided to better monitor what keeps me up at night. A lot of times it isn't insomnia and I get lost in the internet for a few hours and end up being really unproductive and my bed time gets pushed back later and later until it's 3 am and I don't know why I'm awake. Tonight isn't like that so much. Starting tonight, I'm turning off the lights and putting away the screens about an hour before bed. I know this is pretty much common sense, but putting it into practice, especially putting away the cell phone, is difficult a lot of the time.

Tonight I made myself some Sleepytime tea. When I was a little girl my mom would make it for me with honey before bed and would watch me drink it and ask if I was feeling soporific, like in the Flopsy Bunnies. Hopefully it helps now.

Lately I've felt the need to listen to hymns. Yeah, just avoiding the term "Christian music" altogether over here. What most people consider "Christian music" is the kind with "contemporary" in front of it and I'm not really into that. Maybe it would be called contemporary-contemporary Christian music? I don't know. I just know it's raw, more like poetry than a song. You can hear the longing in their voice and it makes me want to cry and confess. This is what Christian music is supposed to do. This is why we sing in church. I feel like the true meaning gets lost at times because much of modern Christian music is fluff, the same uninspired lyrics and music over and over. It's not like the words don't still hold meaning, but there isn't that spark. One thing we have to remember is that behind many of these artists are Christian record labels trying to shape them to fit in with the "it" Christian radio sound, which is often a direct reflection of what is popular over on the secular stations. Maybe some of these artists can be imaginative but the expectations from the masses are keeping them from it.

I'm at that point where I feel out of touch with God. Everyone goes through this, but I've been living in this halfway state for a long time now. I know I need to read the Bible more and, most of all, pray unceasingly, and I am blessed with faith that is not easily shaken, but at times it feels like, will this really help? When I got saved, I didn't have one of those mountain top experiences where you go around for a year or so completely on fire for God. I've never been on fire for Him. I get interested, I get committed, but I have trouble being on fire about anything. At times I wonder if it's my disposition for depression that keeps me from ever getting too excited about anything, but that can't serve as an excuse. Prayer covers all and I can be fixed through it if I just ask. The problem is, I don't really know what to ask. Passion? That hasn't helped in the past. Just knowing what it feels like to be a healthy Christian would give me a lot of comfort.

Labels: Beatrix Potter, chamomile, christian music, God, Holy Spirit, insomnia, Jesus, soporific, truth

Finally relaxing and looking forward to sleeping in. Luckily, school was paced well last week and it's looking to be that way this week too, so tomorrow I can spend catching up on Brit Lit (watching Hamlet tonight(David Tennant! <3)) and studying for the CogPsy test due by midnight. Then Switchfoot in Austin Tuesday. :D Yusss.

Spent after church and night church time planning for bringing Bible study back with Patricia. I knew that much of the Christian section of bookstores was overrun with "God-is-my-boyfriend" and "I'm a princess, where is my godly knight"-type books, but even online? Really? That really sucks. It upsets me that women writers are either shallow enough to think that all teenage girls/young women are obsessed with boyfriends, love, sex, their self-image, and have low self-esteems, or that they are  "smart" enough to cash in and scam all these grandma's and mom's who go out and buy the girls in their life these books.

Some girls struggle with these kind of things. I understand. But what about the rest of us?

I'm not a teenager anymore, but I remember this being a problem back then too. I was a new Christian back then (and still am, relatively) and was more focused on reading the Bible itself instead of supplementary material, so I didn't realize back then, but there isn't much out there for just the normal girl (or young woman; finding stuff for young adults is kinda hard too) who isn't obsessed with these things and who is comfortable with herself. Maybe we're the minority. I mean, we all have our struggles and I have fallen pray to all of these things at some point in my life, but this whole thing about wanting to be a figurative (I think? I hope?) princess, etc. is not something I've ever wanted, or even considered at all for that matter. But if these kind of books help the girlier-girls out there (and they have to exist because all of Taylor Swift's songs are directed at them), more power to them. It would just be nice to have something for everyone else. After we failed to find anything, we started looking at books aimed at young adults that were more unisex and found quite a few things, it just would have been nice to have something that is specifically for girls.

The screen is blinding me, so sorry for the bad punctuation and sentence structure or for not making sense or whatever.

Still living in the pantry. I like it there. It's nice and dark and quiet.

Been praying more. Like we all should be. It's easy to get caught up in work and school and forget, or to mean to do it before you go to sleep and then doze off before you can. Fail, on my part. I'm working on picking back up the pieces of my life and giving them to Him. It's just hard.

Gonna start copying Rachel signing off with confessions. Here we go.

Labels: Bible, David Tennant, girls, God, Jesus, sleepy, study, Taylor Swift, teenagers, truth, writing, young women