I haven't done any work on my papers in the past few days. About two and a half to do by the end of the week. One is 15 pages.

Every day I try to go to bed early, thinking my messed up sleep schedule is what is making me so listless during the day, but even when I take Benadryl I cannot fall asleep until around 4 a.m. Needless to say, this week has really sucked. I broke down a few nights ago, and it must have been so bad that God told Seth to call me because he woke up at 2:30 a.m. the night I was feeling the worst and called. I have felt better since then, as far as handling stress goes. I now know that it is possible to get all of these things done, even if it seems impossible, and have been trying to keep my anxiety levels down.
I slept until 1 pm yesterday and today and even though I am drinking Red Bull right now to try to get ready to write, it isn't having any effect. I feel so tired and lethargic. I don't feel like caring or doing anything, which is terrible because I have so much due this week. I still need to study for my Methods final and I don't understand the class at all.

Anxiety was hurting me. It was making my heart hurt and making me feel like there was no way out. This feeling of not caring about anything, though, is almost worse. I feel no drive.

Sorry this post is so depressing, and the writing so crappy. I thought this post would help me wake up, but it hasn't, really.

Here goes trying to make myself do the write thing (punnnnnnnnnnnnn).

Labels: concentration, finals, focus, insomnia, stress, unhappiness

I want to be watching Hooray for Love right now.
That's right. Still stuck on this show. 44/57, baybee.

Sadly, dramas are kind of my way of escaping life. It used to be reading and drawing (I still draw a lot, just not intentionally), but then my attention span died during a huge bout of depression and I never really bounced back. I hate that. I used to sit and read for hours and I could just block out the world and now I can barely get through a page without getting distracted. I don't watch much traditional TV because a lot of it doesn't seem interesting, plus there's the whole work and school thing, but sometimes it is nice to relax and get lost. I think the appeal of dramas for me is that they don't take place in America. I get to be entertained and learn about another culture? Count me in.

I have all of my papers due in two weeks. Some of those days I have finals due too. Some of these papers need to be 10 pages. I am afraid. If anyone wants to pray for me, I would really appreciate it. If I had Paint on my computer, I'd draw a picture, but me writing papers basically goes like this: Have good idea>write intro>procrastinate for an hour or two>write a page>procrastinate for another hour because I feel that I've earned it>write half a page>feel stressed because it's getting late>write some more>procrastinate>bang out everything right up to the deadline, not know what I'm saying anymore but it sounds good, not go to sleep, and ending a) drive to Houston to turn paper in or b) turn it in online and sleep. I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to work and do finals at the same time. I hate that my teachers push everything to the week before finals week. You know how there is a dead week and then finals? I never have finals when they are actually scheduled to be. Teachers always push them to the last week of class. -__- Thanks, guys.

The main reason I am excited to move out is not because I live in a pantry, but because I want to have my own kitchen. I love living here (which I better since I don't really have anywhere else to go), but I miss fresh vegetables and having weird food in the fridge. I'd also like to take up yoga, as well as exercise. Being healthy shouldn't have to depend on where you live or your income, but those are really the main parts of it and that sucks. I don't have space to exercise and it's usually dark by the time I get home so I can't go outside. I have less than half a shelf of space in the fridge so I mostly just buy dry goods and keep them in a tote bag in the kitchen, buy small things like hummus and carcinogen-free lunch meat, and hope that someone will bring home something fresh. I did share this plight with my mom and she was nice and got me this:
Sauerkraut is one of my favorite foods. Pretty much all pickled things are, except maybe creepy things like pig's feet. I would love to try making kimchi either when I get more space or if my friend Pete lets me come over. He likes cooking ventures.

Oh yeah, and while I'm posting pictures, this was Easter:
Some of you might know this fella. He's my boyfriend. We like each other sometimes. He is pretty great. ^-^

Ok, rock talk.
I got out of the habit of praying for awhile. Like, two months. I slipped into depression, which I might have posted about. Dunno. It keeps coming back and I keep having to fight it off but it's hard to do that when you don't feel like doing anything. I think it must always be there, lurking and chronic, and sometimes it just gets worse. The past two months were particularly bad. Parts of my face that never broke out before broke out, and so did my neck, which has never happened. I was irritable every single day, especially with Seth. I pushed God away even though He was what I needed the most.
I'm trying to get myself out of this. A couple of days ago I started praying consistently again. I read the Bible when I feel called to do so. I guess I started trying for real again. It's just hard to live right every day.

Bed time.
Thank you for existing. <3

Labels: easter, finals, God, hooray for love, kimchi, sauerkraut, school, south korea

I. AM. FINISHED.

I'm so glad to be able to say that. Q___Q

Pretty sure I made A's in everything except for Early British Literature, which I am really scared to see my grade in. Oh well. Hopefully I at least...pass. Hopefully they bypass the 17% plagiarism rating on my paper after seeing that I used things from an earlier paper about the same thing, and hopefully they understand that opinions don't change much in a year so I would have been rewriting the same thing over again, which I started to do for two pages because I completely forgot that I wrote that other paper a year ago. And hopefully they take into account that I tried exceedingly hard to change things up enough that it didn't look just copied and pasted, and that I wrote four and a half more pages to go along with it. >.< Muhhhh. The thing I hate the most about college is lit classes. Usually it isn't the reading material, but this semester it was all very boring. I hate early Brit lit. Pretty much more than I hate mayonnaise.

So, looks like I have one reader. Sweet. o_< Even though my stats say there are more. They are probably bots. Dang bots.

Talking to a kid from high school in another window. Don't know him too well, but he got something I drew tattooed on him. That's pretty freakin' badass.

I took a celebratory bath with The Night in Question (short stories by Tobias Wolff) after finishing my final. Wasn't a very long bath because this isn't my house, but it was so nice to be able to relax. This semester has felt both very relaxing and also the most stressful I have ever felt. I think I had the most breakdowns this semester, at least in the past few weeks. But I also didn't write a 15-pager in one night like I did last semester.

This was Hell.

Yeah. That wasn't the best choice I ever made.

So remember how I said I bought that Bible study? I've been having second thoughts about that. My old method basically consisted of asking the kids to all pick a topic, which I would then research and then make some notes on that would basically make a 2 hour lesson-discussion thing, and that worked really well. The verses I would find really hit home and the discussions that came from going over the lessons was insightful, teaching everyone something new, including myself. I think a lot of the things we talked about were also close subjects to the girls (duh, the picked them out), so they got to vent about what was going on in there lives, which seemed to help because a lot of times it was really big stuff that was out of their control that they didn't really have anyone to talk about.

Sounds great, right? Yeah, then I destroyed it. We haven't even gotten to do our first study yet because in between night church getting canceled, "Cuddles" having a social life, the Germans moving, and me having work and homework, we haven't all been able to meet up, but I think that's been a blessing. After reviewing the introduction and first chapter, it seems like it is one of those books where the person talks a lot about themself. I hate that. I don't pick up a Bible study to learn about you, I pick it up to learn about God.

OK GONNA GO PLAY VIDJA GAMES NAO K LATER

Labels: Bible, Bible study, church, coogs, finals, God, Jesus, stress, tea, Tobias Wolff, truth, UH, university of houston, video games, vidja games, youth, youth pastor

One paper down, one to go, then some finals and a portfolio.

Going to start the paper tonight since it's due tomorrow night at midnight, but waiting for my coffee to get here via the lovely S.

Last night something weird happened to me.

This is the closest thing I could find to my experience, and it took a lot of sifting to even find that.
I don't know if this is what it was or not. I don't have health insurance so I can't find out until a) I have another "attack" and someone is smart enough to take me to ER or b) I have another attack and have health insurance and can go get checked out. Any residual traces of activity in my brain are gone now, and my memory is restored so there's really nothing that can be done at this point.

It wasn't fun. I was sitting at the computer, had just finished chatting with a friend on AIM, and was about to start my school work. Yesterday I was running on four hours of sleep because of insomnia the night before and had finished writing a paper earlier in the day, but I finished ahead of time, got it edited and turned in, and was sitting down to write two more discussion post entries for one of my online classes. I wasn't stressed, my stress level hadn't really been high at all except during the insomnia, and even then it wasn't what I would call bad.

I've blanked out before, once in 2009 right before a final. I always associated it with panic attacks, but after studying those symptoms last night, I don't know that they could really be called that. Yes, stress was a factor in 2009, but it wasn't this time. The first time I blanked out, there was also a lot of stress and anxiety following because the final was -that day-, and I made my then boyfriend read the first chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring to me to try to make the memories come back.

Both times it has been a feeling of losing everything all at once, or completely blanking out. The first time the stress gradually got worse and worse until something snapped and suddenly everything was all gone. This time I was just sitting at the computer completely relaxed, then there is some time in between in which I don't remember anything but I guess time must have passed, and then I was sitting at the computer wondering why I was there and what I had done that day and what I had done the day before and what had to be done the next day and why was I at my mom's house and why were any of us there and what had we all been doing. It was just all gone. I remember asking my mom all of those questions and some other ones and I just kept repeating the same ones. I went downstairs and sat on my mom's bed waiting for everything to come back because there was too much noise and stimulation upstairs and called S and let him know what was happening. I said some random stuff to him too, things I wouldn't normally say, and was repetitive. I checked my texts today that I had sent him and they were overly simplified and very repetitive and all I could remember was that I had an assignment due in two days but I didn't know what it was and that I had to work a few hours this morning.

Losing your memory is a scary thing. I wasn't afraid like the first time because I knew that things would get better if I just waited a couple of hours, but I got kinda shaky when I was waiting for it to all pass.

-------

So took a nap today because I didn't really get to catch up on sleep today and am still trying to wake up enough to write. Drinking some crappy coffee.

One more week of this and then I can read and play video games and go outside. Climbin' on my excite bike.

Labels: amnesia, anxiety, finals, memory, memory loss, sleep deprivation, stress, studying, transient global amnesia

hihihihihihihi.

Two cups of coffee and this is what happens. That's not even that much. Maybe it's because I make it too strong.

Just realized I can't make an impromptu trip to New Mexico Friday because I have a final the following Tuesday. T___T Buhhhh. I am so ready to get away for awhile. Perhaps in early January? I really hope so. Really really really.

So two more classes, two papers, some journal entries, a portfolio, and two finals and then I am finished with the semester. I have a lot of time to finish everything right now. I just hope I don't squander it and end up freaking out and doing everything at the last minute.

 I am so unfocused right now that my eyes won't even focus. And my fingers have the jitters. It isn't like I'm running on empty, so I'm not sure what the deal is.

Reconsidering having a wedding. Maybe. It would have to practically be free. That's fine by me. Not sure. But it would definitely have to be outside somewhere. I like the ideas Kim and I came up with a long time ago. :) It's whatever. Too bad you can't invite a few people and keep it secret from everyone else. It's kind of like Facebook. You add your best friends and then feel obligated to add everyone else. That's why I hate Facebook. Oh well. It's too far in the future to think about. I've never wanted to be a bride in the first place.

Ahhhh I wish I could go to New Mexico. I think I will reserve time off now and make myself go, whether anyone is coming with me or not. I've put it off for too many years because people would back out on me. I can defend myself. Just submitted a time off request for January 4-11. Yessss. I'll have just turned 22, it's my last semester of school, and one last thing before entering Real Life.

Mmkay. Gonna try to get stuff done. ^__^

Labels: antibride, caffeine, coffee, creative writing, finals, homework, New Mexico, real life, university of houston, wedding