break the silence
melodies
long gone
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hello, all.
I should really be in bed. So true. I will be soon.
This is my last semester. I can't believe it. I have plans for the future, but the future is about to become to present, and then I'm not sure what my future will be. It's more than a little scary.
I'm getting engaged soon. Yes, I know about it. We aren't the type to hide big life decisions from each other. Not sure how that is going to play out as I live in the same house as him and his family. Probably fine? Right? I'm excited, yet terrified at what it will mean as far as having to actually consult with someone on many decisions that I take for granted as all my own. Down with sharing a bathroom, not down with no more spontaneous trips. I guess those can still happen, within reason, and they're pretty reasonable anyway.
And changing my name. Um. It seems I am running backwards. It's not that I don't want his name, it's just that mine reflects who I am so well. New life, new name, but I would like to keep the connection. I've struggled with my last name my whole life-- spelling it out for people over and over, explaining it, meeting relatives I didn't know existed because of it, explaining it some more. To be something so, well, white is going to be weird. My last name is definitely white, but it also is obviously foreign and reminds me that, as a third generation American, we haven't really been here that long. If I do change, which I am 99% sure I will, I will have four names. There, problem solved. Plus having something so violent sounding as Hackett is gonna be awesome.
Having less freedom will be strange, but I am also ready to have my own life with this person. Now. So ready.
Well! As far as other things go....
-one of my classes turned out to be a stress relief/meditation class. Whoops. I actually like it, though. Not really learning anything, but a lot of the grade comes just from interacting with other students on the discussion board, and it's basically just like having conversations as you normally would about certain topics.
-I am so behind on homework already. :/ I have been working 21-25 hours a week, which is fine, but the long school (we are there from around 10-10 and that kind of sucks) and work days leave me really tired out and not feeling at all like doing homework. 18 hours of school a week, plus tons of homework. I am so ready to graduate.
-please be praying that I get a job when I graduate. I am doing my teacher certification program this summer and have some leads on teaching in schools in the area but I need one to pan out.
-so happy for my friend Rachel's mom. After going several years without having a job because she was too overqualified/too old/too everything, she got a job at a state school as an RN one slot below the head nurse. She had just moved to the area less than two weeks before. If that isn't a blessing, I don't know WHAT is.
-through exercise, healthy eating, and prayer, I'm starting to get happier. This winter I struggled with depression a bit more than usual and I was having trouble finding reasons to exist at all. I went to the gym for the first time last week and loved it. The rush of endorphins was like nothing I had ever felt and it left me feeling so much happier and like my body was worth something. I don't have self-esteem problems at all, but it felt great knowing I did something good for my body, and it made it feel great too.
Lately I've been wondering where I belong exactly. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't really like to hear about it or be around it because I've been around my family when they're drunk enough to know it's annoying and makes me feel kind of sad. Being that sober person at the party is not fun. You can't really talk to anyone because they're not thinking straight, and you just sort of watch everyone make dumb decisions and talk about nothing and wish they would all just hang out and talk like normal and have an intelligent conversation because doesn't the world need more of that?
I think a part of my uncomfortableness is that my definition of friendship is changing. I used to hang around people who I just clicked with. That's all it took. The friendships would develop naturally and I love those people just for existing. I think that's great. But sooner or later, you're going to realize that the differences you didn't think were so big are actually gaping canyons. If you're not interested in partying and your friends party, that's a lot of social time you're going to be missing out on now. If they hang out with people you don't really know, don't know at all, or have become estranged to, that's another hole because it sucks hearing about the people you used to be close to and there really isn't much to say to people you don't know. So suddenly it's like there's this whole other world you've been missing out on that you don't really have any desire to get involved in. Because what's the point in making more friendships when you can barely sustain the ones you already have?
I think the difference is that I now desire fellowship. I want to talk to you about God because He is the single most important thing in my life. I want to be able to confide in you about spiritual matters and for you to understand. I want someone who is willing to hold me accountable and who sees their religion as a way of life, not as something they were brought up in or that they do once a week. I want friends who are willing to pray for me, with me. It doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun anymore, it just means that my definition of fun has changed.
"Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24
This is as true now as it ever has been. How many people ascribe to the Christian faith, yet forsake it every single day? It is more than just believing in something. It is living something out.
I'm really glad I forsook sleep.
Good night. <3
I should really be in bed. So true. I will be soon.
This is my last semester. I can't believe it. I have plans for the future, but the future is about to become to present, and then I'm not sure what my future will be. It's more than a little scary.
I'm getting engaged soon. Yes, I know about it. We aren't the type to hide big life decisions from each other. Not sure how that is going to play out as I live in the same house as him and his family. Probably fine? Right? I'm excited, yet terrified at what it will mean as far as having to actually consult with someone on many decisions that I take for granted as all my own. Down with sharing a bathroom, not down with no more spontaneous trips. I guess those can still happen, within reason, and they're pretty reasonable anyway.
And changing my name. Um. It seems I am running backwards. It's not that I don't want his name, it's just that mine reflects who I am so well. New life, new name, but I would like to keep the connection. I've struggled with my last name my whole life-- spelling it out for people over and over, explaining it, meeting relatives I didn't know existed because of it, explaining it some more. To be something so, well, white is going to be weird. My last name is definitely white, but it also is obviously foreign and reminds me that, as a third generation American, we haven't really been here that long. If I do change, which I am 99% sure I will, I will have four names. There, problem solved. Plus having something so violent sounding as Hackett is gonna be awesome.
Having less freedom will be strange, but I am also ready to have my own life with this person. Now. So ready.
Well! As far as other things go....
-one of my classes turned out to be a stress relief/meditation class. Whoops. I actually like it, though. Not really learning anything, but a lot of the grade comes just from interacting with other students on the discussion board, and it's basically just like having conversations as you normally would about certain topics.
-I am so behind on homework already. :/ I have been working 21-25 hours a week, which is fine, but the long school (we are there from around 10-10 and that kind of sucks) and work days leave me really tired out and not feeling at all like doing homework. 18 hours of school a week, plus tons of homework. I am so ready to graduate.
-please be praying that I get a job when I graduate. I am doing my teacher certification program this summer and have some leads on teaching in schools in the area but I need one to pan out.
-so happy for my friend Rachel's mom. After going several years without having a job because she was too overqualified/too old/too everything, she got a job at a state school as an RN one slot below the head nurse. She had just moved to the area less than two weeks before. If that isn't a blessing, I don't know WHAT is.
-through exercise, healthy eating, and prayer, I'm starting to get happier. This winter I struggled with depression a bit more than usual and I was having trouble finding reasons to exist at all. I went to the gym for the first time last week and loved it. The rush of endorphins was like nothing I had ever felt and it left me feeling so much happier and like my body was worth something. I don't have self-esteem problems at all, but it felt great knowing I did something good for my body, and it made it feel great too.
Lately I've been wondering where I belong exactly. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't really like to hear about it or be around it because I've been around my family when they're drunk enough to know it's annoying and makes me feel kind of sad. Being that sober person at the party is not fun. You can't really talk to anyone because they're not thinking straight, and you just sort of watch everyone make dumb decisions and talk about nothing and wish they would all just hang out and talk like normal and have an intelligent conversation because doesn't the world need more of that?
I think a part of my uncomfortableness is that my definition of friendship is changing. I used to hang around people who I just clicked with. That's all it took. The friendships would develop naturally and I love those people just for existing. I think that's great. But sooner or later, you're going to realize that the differences you didn't think were so big are actually gaping canyons. If you're not interested in partying and your friends party, that's a lot of social time you're going to be missing out on now. If they hang out with people you don't really know, don't know at all, or have become estranged to, that's another hole because it sucks hearing about the people you used to be close to and there really isn't much to say to people you don't know. So suddenly it's like there's this whole other world you've been missing out on that you don't really have any desire to get involved in. Because what's the point in making more friendships when you can barely sustain the ones you already have?
I think the difference is that I now desire fellowship. I want to talk to you about God because He is the single most important thing in my life. I want to be able to confide in you about spiritual matters and for you to understand. I want someone who is willing to hold me accountable and who sees their religion as a way of life, not as something they were brought up in or that they do once a week. I want friends who are willing to pray for me, with me. It doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun anymore, it just means that my definition of fun has changed.
"Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24
This is as true now as it ever has been. How many people ascribe to the Christian faith, yet forsake it every single day? It is more than just believing in something. It is living something out.
I'm really glad I forsook sleep.
Good night. <3
Labels: blessings, brazoria, engagement, exercise, fellowship, food, friendship, God, happiness, homework, igaveuptheghost.blogspot.com, Jesus, learning, Matthew 16:24, prayer, school, texas, truth, university of houston, work
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