break the silence
melodies
long gone
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I am completely awake and that is okay.
I will just wake up at 8 am anyway. Not sure if I'm exhausted or if I've been sleeping too much. It's probably a little of both.
I don't drink coffee after noon. Sometimes I don't drink it at all. I don't drink anything caffeinated after five. Yet I still lay awake every night. I'm not doing anything strenuous. Some of it might be related to dehydration so I have been working to drink more water.
I've decided to better monitor what keeps me up at night. A lot of times it isn't insomnia and I get lost in the internet for a few hours and end up being really unproductive and my bed time gets pushed back later and later until it's 3 am and I don't know why I'm awake. Tonight isn't like that so much. Starting tonight, I'm turning off the lights and putting away the screens about an hour before bed. I know this is pretty much common sense, but putting it into practice, especially putting away the cell phone, is difficult a lot of the time.
Tonight I made myself some Sleepytime tea. When I was a little girl my mom would make it for me with honey before bed and would watch me drink it and ask if I was feeling soporific, like in the Flopsy Bunnies. Hopefully it helps now.
Lately I've felt the need to listen to hymns. Yeah, just avoiding the term "Christian music" altogether over here. What most people consider "Christian music" is the kind with "contemporary" in front of it and I'm not really into that. Maybe it would be called contemporary-contemporary Christian music? I don't know. I just know it's raw, more like poetry than a song. You can hear the longing in their voice and it makes me want to cry and confess. This is what Christian music is supposed to do. This is why we sing in church. I feel like the true meaning gets lost at times because much of modern Christian music is fluff, the same uninspired lyrics and music over and over. It's not like the words don't still hold meaning, but there isn't that spark. One thing we have to remember is that behind many of these artists are Christian record labels trying to shape them to fit in with the "it" Christian radio sound, which is often a direct reflection of what is popular over on the secular stations. Maybe some of these artists can be imaginative but the expectations from the masses are keeping them from it.
I'm at that point where I feel out of touch with God. Everyone goes through this, but I've been living in this halfway state for a long time now. I know I need to read the Bible more and, most of all, pray unceasingly, and I am blessed with faith that is not easily shaken, but at times it feels like, will this really help? When I got saved, I didn't have one of those mountain top experiences where you go around for a year or so completely on fire for God. I've never been on fire for Him. I get interested, I get committed, but I have trouble being on fire about anything. At times I wonder if it's my disposition for depression that keeps me from ever getting too excited about anything, but that can't serve as an excuse. Prayer covers all and I can be fixed through it if I just ask. The problem is, I don't really know what to ask. Passion? That hasn't helped in the past. Just knowing what it feels like to be a healthy Christian would give me a lot of comfort.
I will just wake up at 8 am anyway. Not sure if I'm exhausted or if I've been sleeping too much. It's probably a little of both.
I don't drink coffee after noon. Sometimes I don't drink it at all. I don't drink anything caffeinated after five. Yet I still lay awake every night. I'm not doing anything strenuous. Some of it might be related to dehydration so I have been working to drink more water.
I've decided to better monitor what keeps me up at night. A lot of times it isn't insomnia and I get lost in the internet for a few hours and end up being really unproductive and my bed time gets pushed back later and later until it's 3 am and I don't know why I'm awake. Tonight isn't like that so much. Starting tonight, I'm turning off the lights and putting away the screens about an hour before bed. I know this is pretty much common sense, but putting it into practice, especially putting away the cell phone, is difficult a lot of the time.
Tonight I made myself some Sleepytime tea. When I was a little girl my mom would make it for me with honey before bed and would watch me drink it and ask if I was feeling soporific, like in the Flopsy Bunnies. Hopefully it helps now.
Lately I've felt the need to listen to hymns. Yeah, just avoiding the term "Christian music" altogether over here. What most people consider "Christian music" is the kind with "contemporary" in front of it and I'm not really into that. Maybe it would be called contemporary-contemporary Christian music? I don't know. I just know it's raw, more like poetry than a song. You can hear the longing in their voice and it makes me want to cry and confess. This is what Christian music is supposed to do. This is why we sing in church. I feel like the true meaning gets lost at times because much of modern Christian music is fluff, the same uninspired lyrics and music over and over. It's not like the words don't still hold meaning, but there isn't that spark. One thing we have to remember is that behind many of these artists are Christian record labels trying to shape them to fit in with the "it" Christian radio sound, which is often a direct reflection of what is popular over on the secular stations. Maybe some of these artists can be imaginative but the expectations from the masses are keeping them from it.
I'm at that point where I feel out of touch with God. Everyone goes through this, but I've been living in this halfway state for a long time now. I know I need to read the Bible more and, most of all, pray unceasingly, and I am blessed with faith that is not easily shaken, but at times it feels like, will this really help? When I got saved, I didn't have one of those mountain top experiences where you go around for a year or so completely on fire for God. I've never been on fire for Him. I get interested, I get committed, but I have trouble being on fire about anything. At times I wonder if it's my disposition for depression that keeps me from ever getting too excited about anything, but that can't serve as an excuse. Prayer covers all and I can be fixed through it if I just ask. The problem is, I don't really know what to ask. Passion? That hasn't helped in the past. Just knowing what it feels like to be a healthy Christian would give me a lot of comfort.
#2. I was looking through my old Livejournal (2003-2006) last night and remembered something. When we were younger, you promised me that no matter where we were or what we were doing, we would be together, even if we had to wait until after college or later into life. Sometimes I still think about that. It's not that I see you in that way anymore, but I know that it could easily be picked up again. You're an Atheist, I'm a Christian, but we're best friends, no matter how many miles or how much time is between us. I think, in that way, we have fulfilled our promise.
Labels: Beatrix Potter, chamomile, christian music, God, Holy Spirit, insomnia, Jesus, soporific, truth
2:02 AM