I'm baaaack. Just for journaling. It feels like it's been years since I've written anything.
Here is a quick update:
-I'm an elementary school teacher now. Yeah. I never wanted to teach kids this young, but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. The tattling and neediness can really be infuriating, though. I feel like they deserve a nicer teacher than me, but then again, I could be nicer if they weren't always scheming. I guess I am not too mean, though, because they still want to be next to me all of the time. It's a little weird because they are still old enough that they could technically be my brothers or sisters, maybe if my parents had made a mistake.
-I live in Jasper, TX. What EVEN. I don't know. I needed to get out and this seemed like a viable option? It actually isn't too bad. It's pretty, people are nice, and my coworkers are great. I feel really blessed on that front in particular. The only thing that really sucks is that it is pretty much impossible for me to make friends because everyone my age who is still here is either married and not the type of person I can relate to or is on drugs and failing at life. My family has been really nice and supportive, and I appreciate them, but it would still be nice to have someone around who is my age. I work with someone who is near my age, but she is married and we are just very different. I don't fit in here, even more than I don't fit in in West Columbia. At least there I have close family and I can find a way to relate to people, even if we aren't much alike, because we grew up together. This place is just really isolated. A lot of people go to Beaumont to have stuff to do, but I don't want/need to shop bad enough to drive almost two hours for it, and besides, it's people I want to see, not stuff.
-I got a cat. She needs to go to the vet. I'm really regretting getting a kitten, but they said they were going to kill her and I believed them and paid $10 for a kitten with no vaccine/spay voucher. Whoops. She is getting a balf spot and I'm not sure what's up with that.
Today I saw a photo online somewhere in an article and it all hit me at once-- why am I here? If I want to be somewhere else, why am I not there? I don't have anything holding me back. My contract is up for renewal in March, but I'm not interested in staying. If this school was anywhere but Jasper, I would consider it, but I'm not about to settle down here and it's not like there is anyone to settle down with anyway.
I want to move to New Mexico. If my friends are reading this, I know they will tease me and say it's because I have this romantic notion that everything will fall into place for me out there with an old friend. Maybe that is on my mind a little. Maybe I do wonder sometimes, even if it has been almost 7 years now (geez, that's a long time!). And I know that person isn't interested in me like that, but I also know deep down that he would probably be open to it if the timing was right. I don't know what I want as far as that goes, and I don't know what he wants, but I do know that I miss being closer than we are and that would be an added bonus. But most of all, those who truly know me know that I am in love with the mountains, the desert, the big wide open sky. It's so blue it makes you want to cry, seriously. That was what did it today; I saw a picture of a piece of Southwestern sky and lost it. Maybe I'm a sucker for adventure. But you know what? At least I would be living. I have money now, I have a good job, I have health insurance, but none of it matters if you don't have friends to share it with and you are in a place you don't really like. Don't get me wrong, I love the woods here, but I don't know if I'm hardcore enough to go hiking on my own, and I'm not sure where to go to hike anyway.
I miss my family, but I think I have a few stops left to go before going back home.
Currently Listening To:
Labels: adventure, autumn, blue skies, boys, home, life, loneliness, New Mexico, sadness, saveme, sweaters, texas, twentythree, wishes, wxnerland, young
