I would say that I never saw you cry but there was that one time at the beach in 2008 when you were walking aimlessly around in the sand and nobody realized yet, you included, that you were crying on the inside too and that the big black hole in the corner of your mind was about to envelop your whole body. Everything about that night sticks out in my mind, like not being able to quite get all the sand out of the foldout couch mattress and speaking of that, sleeping in the same bed as your almost-boyfriend's mom is kinda weird.
    We all wore glow stick bracelets so that we wouldn't get separated and my ex-youth pastor's ex-fiancée was freaking out on us about not getting lost in the dark or caught in a riptide even though most of us had just graduated and weren't in the water anyway. You got on to me earlier that day, or maybe it was the day before, about something I've long since forgotten or blocked out, but I was mad at you for it because we weren't really close, and who did you think you were anyway? All we had done was talked a little at lunch and in my beginner's art class when you'd come in and finish up on a project for the county fair or livestock show. I thought you were cute, in an awkward way. I avoided you the rest of the retreat because of that.   
    Later that night I remember all of us were standing around a bonfire while some older guy with a beard from Corpus tried to teach us to not be selfish teenagers and to love and serve God with all of our hearts and there you were, hovering around the back of the circle and crying. I didn't go comfort you because you pissed me off before and you were being a little weird, walking around talking to yourself and crying like that, but your honesty left me in awe. Here was this ginger guy getting his face all blotchy and snotting everywhere and trying to tell everyone that something wasn't right, that someone there had a problem and you were choking on it. But still, I believed you.
***
    Some people can feel what others are feeling. I knew you could from the beach, when someone else's pain stung so bad that it had you on your knees halfway between the tide and the sand. Somewhere between then and now we ended up becoming friends, good friends, like the kind that you can share a drink with, a straw even, and not feel like you just invited something terrible into your mouth. We kept going to the same church and you took our youth pastor's place even though you are only a month younger than me and weren't far out of youth yourself. Then, even though our groups had always kind of intermingled anyway since we went to such a small high school, most of our friends started falling away like doves getting shot down and falling through the trees, until we were eventually left staring each other right in the face.
    Monday night I caught you looking through my text messages, which isn't something you would normally do, I mean, you're a pretty trustworthy guy, or at least I thought you were, and I got pissed and kicked you in the shin. There was a Bible study at your house that night and it was over but everyone was still sitting around and talking and you laughed nervously and your fingers brushed my waist as you tried like a little kid who just disappointed his parents to just get me to laugh it off and pay attention to you again.  And there I was, ignoring you again, and you kept making your stupid jokes and trying to catch my eye and make me laugh so everything would be okay but I just started pulling on my tennis shoes and refused to look at you. Then I stood up and you stood up and I went for the doorknob and there you were, following right behind me, and the other guys just kinda looked at each other like "there they go again," and went back to talking.
    Then there we were, on your porch, and you were getting just a little too close but I knew you weren't going to do anything because you never do, and we sat down on the church pew that's been there since before I met you. You put your arm around me and told me that you were sorry and that you didn't know why you did it and that it wasn't something you would normally do, and then we started talking about trust and I told you that I trusted you more than just about anyone and you said you felt that way too and then it was quiet for a minute, except for the rain, which was really actually there and not something I made up to make my story sound cooler or more melodramatic. You spoke first and said that you felt really bad and I told you again that it was okay and you buried your face in my hair and kissed my head like you would a kid sister or a girlfriend; I'm still trying to figure out which it was.
    And then I broke the moment like I always do and said something had been weighing on me for awhile, and I told you how I didn't trust your other best friend who's a girl because she would leave out key details when she talked to you, like that she was thinking about moving in with her boyfriend, so you wouldn't get mad at her. You didn't even know she had a boyfriend, and you said you knew she lied but that there was nothing you could do about it because there always came a time when she needed you, even if she didn't realize it, and that's when it started, the crying thing again, only this time you were weeping and there was five years' worth of pain in your throat and even though we were two years older, I still didn't know what to do.
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It's safe to post this now, so I am. Memoir-ish but not completely factual.