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break the silence


long gone

Sunday, November 10, 2013

I'm baaaack. Just for journaling. It feels like it's been years since I've written anything.

Here is a quick update:

-I'm an elementary school teacher now. Yeah. I never wanted to teach kids this young, but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. The tattling and neediness can really be infuriating, though. I feel like they deserve a nicer teacher than me, but then again, I could be nicer if they weren't always scheming. I guess I am not too mean, though, because they still want to be next to me all of the time. It's a little weird because they are still old enough that they could technically be my brothers or sisters, maybe if my parents had made a mistake.
-I live in Jasper, TX. What EVEN. I don't know. I needed to get out and this seemed like a viable option? It actually isn't too bad. It's pretty, people are nice, and my coworkers are great. I feel really blessed on that front in particular. The only thing that really sucks is that it is pretty much impossible for me to make friends because everyone my age who is still here is either married and not the type of person I can relate to or is on drugs and failing at life. My family has been really nice and supportive, and I appreciate them, but it would still be nice to have someone around who is my age. I work with someone who is near my age, but she is married and we are just very different. I don't fit in here, even more than I don't fit in in West Columbia. At least there I have close family and I can find a way to relate to people, even if we aren't much alike, because we grew up together. This place is just really isolated. A lot of people go to Beaumont to have stuff to do, but I don't want/need to shop bad enough to drive almost two hours for it, and besides, it's people I want to see, not stuff.
-I got a cat. She needs to go to the vet. I'm really regretting getting a kitten, but they said they were going to kill her and I believed them and paid $10 for a kitten with no vaccine/spay voucher. Whoops. She is getting a balf spot and I'm not sure what's up with that.

Today I saw a photo online somewhere in an article and it all hit me at once-- why am I here? If I want to be somewhere else, why am I not there? I don't have anything holding me back. My contract is up for renewal in March, but I'm not interested in staying. If this school was anywhere but Jasper, I would consider it, but I'm not about to settle down here and it's not like there is anyone to settle down with anyway.

I want to move to New Mexico. If my friends are reading this, I know they will tease me and say it's because I have this romantic notion that everything will fall into place for me out there with an old friend. Maybe that is on my mind a little. Maybe I do wonder sometimes, even if it has been almost 7 years now (geez, that's a long time!). And I know that person isn't interested in me like that, but I also know deep down that he would probably be open to it if the timing was right. I don't know what I want as far as that goes, and I don't know what he wants, but I do know that I miss being closer than we are and that would be an added bonus. But most of all, those who truly know me know that I am in love with the mountains, the desert, the big wide open sky. It's so blue it makes you want to cry, seriously. That was what did it today; I saw a picture of a piece of Southwestern sky and lost it. Maybe I'm a sucker for adventure. But you know what? At least I would be living. I have money now, I have a good job, I have health insurance, but none of it matters if you don't have friends to share it with and you are in a place you don't really like. Don't get me wrong, I love the woods here, but I don't know if I'm hardcore enough to go hiking on my own, and I'm not sure where to go to hike anyway.

I miss my family, but I think I have a few stops left to go before going back home.

Currently Listening To:

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11:27 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2013



I will probably be back at some point.

9:04 PM

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

9:52 PM

Monday, February 11, 2013

Just watched the newest episode of Girls. It's the show I wanted to hate, but I just can't. All of the actions and conversations that happen on this show feel real, but the overall "feeling" of this episode resonated the most with me.

I realize that was a ridiculous few sentences about a television show. Yes.


Got laid off from JCP. My position no longer exists as of March 10th, 2013. I'm working there until then and trying to save as much money as I can because I only work 15 hours a week at the after school job.

I am supposed to be applying for real jobs but the applications really scare me and so I have not fully completed a single one and the one for the job I really want is due this week.

Real life is scary.

Also, I need to take a shower because I smell bad.

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2:19 PM

Monday, January 14, 2013

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9:54 PM

'Cause I'm living it, apparently.

Hi guys. It's been ages. Bloody freakin' ages. I feel like a lot has happened and nothing has happened all at once.

-I graduated. For real this time. At least I should have. The status is still pending online and I'm waiting for my diploma to show up at Mom's.
-I went to Passion Conference in Atlanta with Rachel, Starling, and Keelena. Francis Chan stole my heart except not really because he is old and married and Chris Tomlin convinced me not to hate him anymore. Except for that dancefloor song. That was really lame.
-I moved into my Pastor's house. Things got too crazy at Dad's.
-Things got too crazy at Mom's too. We are piecing things back together but it doesn't work a lot of the time.
-I haven't seen my Mema in a long time and that probably makes me a bad grandchild.
-I lost a few pounds. Trying to lose a few more.
-I ate at Waffle House. They didn't have fried chicken. It was bad.
-I got addicted to How I Met Your Mother like I always said I would not do. 
-I have met some awesome South Korean and Japanese people my age online and we have become penpals. It's great learning about their cultures and talking to new people.
-I turned 23.

That's all I can think of right now.

As you can tell, this place looks a little different. I'm still trying to figure out all of the HTML but it's a start. I love learning this stuff and taking it apart, so it's a long but good experience. ^^

*create more.
*get through my to-do lists and stop procrastinating.
*get a [real] job/move out/get a cat.
*buy that G15 and take photos again.
*discover more new music like I used to.
*dress better. Soon I will be too old to wear a lot of these clothes.
*continue to eat healthful food.
*be a better friend. In 2012 I tried to give more of my time with others and I feel like I got a lot out of it.
*work on a second language.
*go somewhere big.

I just got a job interview?!  At Brazoswood High School as a credit recovery aid. They want me to come in in the morning, so guess I will prep the best I can tonight. Daaaaaaang.

Currently listening to: The xx-xx

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1:56 PM

Friday, September 14, 2012

I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you
When you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,
All along I thought
I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die, die
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

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1:14 AM